Ok why the fuck is it that so many fucking people have trouble listening to me??!! what exactly is it about me? I meaaaaannnn sexism would be ONE, just ONE, theory to explain this phenomenon. Which does not make it necessarily true. Hello, logic. But could be an indicator of it being a useful explanation for my life. Something I could work with. Anyway, no need for a theory yet. For now, I’m just PISSED and need to vent. Even my friend, I – just – do – NOT – understand!!1! Everytime I start talking for even a bit longer than usual, I see how people start averting their eyes, not really able/willing/schmilling to listen anymore. My brother the other night. Wtf. He just pours his endless monologues over me, and I can tell that at least the topics he verbally vomits about are triggered by my presence, but other than that? I could as well be a wall he talks to. There’s no real part I play in this conversation. „conversation“, lolsob. It’s SO frustrating.
Is it that people are not normally used to me confidently taking up space and sharing my thoughts and experiences at length? Because I know my usual day-to-day inhibitions when it comes to just, well, speaking. „Wait, who’s going to be interested in that?“ „Won’t this sound pretentious?“ „Will people think I’m full of myself?“. Especially when it’s something *smart*, you know? Not that it’s necessarily something super clever, just that I fear that if I say that thing on my mind right now people will think I feel oh so smart etcetc and here I go again with my stupid inhibitions. Maybe these inhibitions do show in the way I talk and are mistaken for something like arrogance or something. Maybe that would explain it. Or it’s just recognized for what it is, plain and simple: insecurity. But is it hard to listen to somebody’s opinion if it’s presented somewhat insecurely? I’m honestly wondering. Or is it that people are not normally used to women confidently taking up space and sharing their thoughts and experiences at length, especially when it comes to topics like politics, philosophy, cultural criticism…any intellectual, you know thinky thing. Or maybe you have to use this particular mode of talking politics etc, if you’re a woman, at least if you want to be heard at all, as in adding things like „but I’m not entirely sure“ every other sentence, or „but I could be wrong of course“, or „that’s just one way to look at it, but I’m sure there are excellent counter-arguments I’m unaware of right now“ looooooolsob. As if that’s ever prompted an interesting and lively discussion.
The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality, and it was vitality that seemed to seep away from me in that moment. Everything there was to do seemed like too much work. I would come home and I would see the red light flashing on my answering machine, and instead of being thrilled to hear from my friends, I would think, “What a lot of people that is to have to call back.” Or I would decide I should have lunch, and then I would think, but I’d have to get the food out and put it on a plate and cut it up and chew it and swallow it, and it felt to me like the Stations of the Cross.
And one of the things that often gets lost in discussions of depression is that you know it’s ridiculous. You know it’s ridiculous while you’re experiencing it. You know that most people manage to listen to their messages and eat lunch and organize themselves to take a shower and go out the front door and that it’s not a big deal, and yet you are nonetheless in its grip and you are unable to figure out any way around it.
We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.
home is where the heart is hardened to the regular violences of the family.
i think everyone complaining about or making fun of pouty selfie posing should be beseeched by a curse that makes them actually look like their biometric passport photo